Difficile est satiram non scribere

Vol. 1
If you’re a minority and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a “token hire.”
If you’re a conservative and you’re selected for a job over more qualified candidates you’re a “game changer.”
If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant you’re a “baby daddy.”
If you’re the same in Alaska you’re a “teen father.” (Actually, according to your own MySpace page you’re an F’n redneck that don’t want any

kids, but that’s too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night).
Black teen pregnancies? A “crisis” in black America.


White teen pregnancies? A “blessed event.”
If you grow up in Hawaii you’re “exotic.”
Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you’re the quintessential “American story.”
Similarly, if you name you kid Barack you’re “unpatriotic.”
Name your kid Track, you’re “colorful.”
If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual you’re “reckless.”
A Republican who doesn’t fully vet is a “maverick.”
If you say that for the “first time in my adult lifetime I’m really proud of my country” it makes you “unfit” to be First Lady.
If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you “First Dude.”
A DUI from twenty years ago is “old news.”
A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is “relevant information.”
And, finally, if you’re a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife’s reoccurrence of cancer you’re a “questionable spouse.”
If you’re a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome… Well, we don’t know

what that is ‘cause THAT’S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!
Vol. 2
If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you’re a “phoney.”
Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you’re “well loved.”
SoyAA says: If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to

“get to know you.”
If you’re white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to

know you’re “one of us.”
If you give your wife a dap on stage, it’s actually a “terrorist fist jab.”
If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child’s hair on national TV it’s an “adorable moment.” (Seriously, forget

about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).
DTD SAYS: If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you’re an “extremist.”
If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that

they must convert to Christianity, you’re a “fundamentalist.”
If you’re a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review,

you’re “uppity.”
If you’re a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next

five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or

not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of

school in Hawaii).
SeanOcali says: If you’re 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant “life happens.”
If you’re 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you’re a “registered sex offender.”
If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of “Change,” it’s just “empty rhetoric.”
If one week before your party’s national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about “Change,” that’s “red meat.”
And your last lesson for the day:
If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you’re female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial,

multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you’re a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist - “Yes, we can!”
If you’re a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, “Yup, yup!”
xxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxx
Part 3
With the massive financial sector meltdown going on, the stock market tumbling and those women from The View picking your bones, it's hard to

keep straight why lipstick on a pig is bad and lipstick on a pitbull is good. So I'm back with another new Guide to the Conservative Palinguage. In

honor of the biggest one day market drop since 2001, we're focusing this week mostly -- but not exclusively -- on the economy. Feel free to laugh

all you want because the fundamentals of our economy are strong, so we have nothing to fear but fear itself!
Thanks to everyone who offered up their Palinisms. You can find Vols 1 & 2 over at That Minority Thing.
Crutnacker says: If you supported a war that is costing $2.4 billion a day, you're a patriot who wants smaller government. If you oppose the war,

you're a defeatist who wants big government.


Leftcoastliberal Says: Democrats who balance the budget and lower unemployment are tax and spend liberals. Republicans who run record

deficits and crash the housing market are fiscally responsible.
Cameron says: If you chant 'Drill, Baby, Drill" you are positing an effective and responsible energy plan, science and logic be damned. If you

chant "Yes, We Can" you are a mindless automaton.
David says: If you're a Democrat and you prefer wine over beer, you are an "elitist." If you're a Republican and you prefer a beer heiress over

your first wife, you are a "committed family man."
Jimbo says: When you waste a million dollars on just one tomahawk missile you are seeking to SAVE American lives. When you want to utilize a

million dollars for stem cell research you are seeking to DESTROY the American way of Life.


Kane says: If you're a Republican, all of your errors and misjudgments are for history to decide. If you're a Democrat, all of your errors and

misjudgments are for voters to decide.


Judy says: If you're a Democrat who has been in the Senate for two years, you are a Washington insider who will only give us more of the same.

If you're a Republican who has been in the Senate for 26 years, you are a Washington outsider and the candidate for change.
Susan says: If you're a Democrat and promise to cut the taxes of 95% of all Americans, you're raising taxes. If you're a Republican (in a state

with no state income tax and no state sales tax) and give a $1,200 rebate from oil income to all taxpayers, you're cutting taxes.
Tanya says: If you are a black you are only voting for Obama because he is black too. If you are white and voting for Obama it is because you

have white guilt. If you are not voting for Obama you are patriotic and a proud American.
David says: If you are Sarah Palin, you have no idea what the Bush Doctrine is. If you are an Iraqi, you know exactly what the Bush Doctrine is.
Bhutan says: Jesus was a community organizer. Pontius Pilot was a Governor.

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